Author: Me (Carmen)
Length: One-shot (2,454)
Genre: Angst (!!!!!!!!)
Disclaimer: I own only the plot.~
Summary: "I wish I could hate you. It’d be so much easier, instead of all this pain."
** I'm back with another angsty one, yay! Well, not really yay, but... yeah.. nvm. Enjoy reading! :D
*I warned you! There's angst!
I wish I could hate you. It’d be so much easier, instead of all this pain. Feelings of hate are much stronger than pain. Why can’t I hate you? You did something so unforgivable and yet my heart still aches for you. How could you do that to me? I thought we had something strong. I thought our love was meant to be. I thought you loved me. But I guess, I was wrong. I wonder all the time, did you ever have an ounce of regret?
I entered through the little café’s door and was about to sit in my usual spot when I noticed someone was already there. Even though it wasn’t busy, that was my favorite spot to look out the window; to see the beautiful scenery. The scenery gave me inspiration to draw, to paint, or to sculpture. Going to the café was my little bit of happiness in my hectic life. I pouted unconsciously and sat down at the next table, close to my favorite spot but not close enough. It was okay; at least I could still look out the window and get a clear view of the scenery; although it wasn’t as nice. I was getting lost in the colors outside the window that I didn’t notice someone was calling my attention.
“Excuse me?” I snapped out of my little world and saw the guy in front of me; who was in my usual favorite spot speaking to me. “Ah, sorry. Yes?” I said. “Why are you staring at me?” He asked me curiously. I felt flustered; he must have thought I was staring at him while I was actually staring past him; at the window. “Ah, nope! I’m sorry, I was looking out the window.” I pointed to the view at the same time I said that. “Oh, silly me.” He said. I smile. “It’s okay.” I say. I continue staring out the window when I heard the sound of a chair moving against hardwood. I look to my left, and the guy I was just talking to sat down. I jolt up a little surprised. “I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Ninomiya Kazunari. But you can call me Nino.” He smiled; which was actually pretty cute and stuck out his hand. I smile and say, “Nice to meet you Nino. I’m Ohno Satoshi.” // Little did I know that this man would shake up my life.
After that first fateful encounter, we exchanged numbers. Since then, we’ve been calling each other and we’ve hung out quite a bit. I tried to make as much time I could for him, but my job; being a dance instructor didn’t give him much time. But still, he was willing to wait. I was happy. He made me happy. I think I’m slowly starting to fall for him. I wonder, does he feel the same? It’s embarrassing thinking about confessing, so maybe I should stay quiet and wait to see what happens.
Today, it was finally a day off work. Normally, I’d go fishing or continue with my art. But I needed to see Nino, my heart was aching painfully to see him again. Even though, it’s only been probably a week since I last saw him. I called him and while listening to the ringing tone; I was praying that he wasn’t busy. “Hello?” He sounded tired. “Nino?” I say trying to not sound worried. “Oh, it’s you Oh-chan. I forgot to check the caller ID when I picked up.” I hear him cough. “Are you sick?” This time the worry was evident in my voice. “Yeah, I seem to have caught the flu.” He sighed. “I’m coming over okay? You never seem to take care of yourself very well.” I say frantically. “Eh? I try my best. And you don’t have to, you must be very tired.” He gave out a weak laugh. “Nah, I like being with you Nino. I’ll be there in a few.” I say and hung up the phone without waiting for his reply; knowing he’d probably refuse.
I arrive at the apartment a little after 7. It took longer than I thought to reach Nino’s house. It was my first time here, and I was quite nervous. I walked inside and went up the elevator. I looked at the numbers blinking; announcing the floors that just passed. Finally, it stopped at the 12th floor. It was pretty high up, but I knew Nino somewhat had quite a bit of money. He wasn’t rich or anything like that, just a bit more well off. I rang the doorbell and waited for Nino to open the door but he didn’t come. I started to get worried and rang it again. What if he fainted? I was starting to panic when the door finally opened.
I almost didn’t recognize Nino in front of me; he looked so different. He looked so pale and fragile. His eyes were also red; it looked like he was crying but maybe it was just a part of the flu. “Nino! You look horrible!”I say and pushed him into the house and hurriedly moved him to sit on the couch. “After a week of not seeing each other and you’re already like this!” I scold him; but I’m relieved in knowing that he was still breathing; well barely, he looked like crap. He gave a tiny laugh and said, “It’s funny, Oh-chan. We’ve probably only known each other for 8 months and already you help and care for me so much.” That’s because I love you. I smile, “That’s what friends are for, right?” I quickly noticed the change in his face. “What’s the matter?” I say. “Oh-chan, is that all you think of me as?” He asks me, and I’m shocked. Wait, does he feel the same way for me? I continue to stare at him; trying to piece together any information that would make sense. He then took my hands in his. I look at him surprised but don’t pull out; because I’ve been secretly wanting to hold his hand for a long while now. “Satoshi, I like you.” I stare at him. I felt my heart bursting and my head spinning from the confession. I was so happy that I felt I could fly. // I should’ve paid closer attention to the facts; maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much later on.
It’s been a month since the day I went to Nino’s house and we became a couple. Everything was still perfect. I was falling even more in love with him every day. I felt he was perfect and no one could ever replace him. A date between us normally consisted of us going to each other’s houses and relaxing. Normally, he spent more time at my home though; he said it was too sad to be in his home. I never questioned why; since I just thought that it was because of me, not being there and it made him lonely. // If only, I wasn’t so blinded by love to notice what was actually going on.
After about a year, slowly things were starting to fall apart. Every time I touched Nino, he would back away and make up an excuse. I didn’t think anything of it at first but it happened quite a lot, that I was starting to get pissed off. So I confronted him. “Nino, do you hate me?” He looked at me shocked, he didn’t say anything so I continued, “You never let me touch you anymore and you also don’t speak to me anymore.” “I’m sorry, Satoshi. A lot has been on my mind.” He said. “But it’s been almost 2 weeks now since this started happening!” My tone of voice started getting higher; which rarely happened. I started to shake with anger, but he gave me a hug and mumbled sorry over and over again. I didn’t have the heart to stay mad at him any longer. I let the anger dissipate. I didn’t want to lose him, I don’t know what would become of me if I did. // Did you calculate all of these actions in your head, to keep me with you? But you ended up leaving me anyway. While I was the one who stupidly tried to hold on.
It wasn’t too long after that, that I finally found out his little secret. I was walking along the road to go to his house. I was quite surprised to see him outside and just when I was about to jump on him, I heard him talking on the telephone and I heard my name. I froze, and quietly listened; hoping it would be a surprise present or something. “Lately, it’s been getting harder to pretend.” Pretend? I was starting to get confused. “It was okay at first, but ever since Aiba scolded me for what I was doing that I started feeling guilty.” What? Guilty? For what? My heart rate started increasing as I felt something bad was about to happen. “What should I do Jun?” Nino sighed. “I don’t think I can pretend anymore. Satoshi’s a good guy.” What is that supposed to mean?? “Oh yeah? I don’t think that would work overly well. So you want me to just go up to him and say ‘hey, I’ve never loved you and I always used you to replace my dead boyfriend, Sho.’” I felt my heart break into a tiny million pieces. Millions of questions ran through my head. But the more I thought about them, the more I had answers for. Why was I so stupid? I should’ve noticed. It was so clear, I was just too stupid and blinded. I started to run; not knowing a destination. But I didn’t care, I needed to escape.
After accidentally hearing Nino, I never contacted him for a whole week. He also called me a few times, but I never had the heart to talk to him. I stayed in my apartment for the whole week; crawled up into bed. I didn’t have the strength to move; to do anything. Everything was painful, it felt like my soul had left me. The colors I used to see so brightly and beautifully has left me too. Everything has left. I was alone.
Nino finally came and knocked on my apartment door, I know I needed to face him sometime. He didn’t know I knew. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe, I misheard. Yeah, that’s it. We’ve been together for a year now and there’s no way you didn’t feel anything at all for me. Or even if I did hear right, you’ve must’ve developed at least something tiny for me right? I picked up my courage and opened the door. “Satoshi! What happened to you? I couldn’t contact you for a whole week!” He yelled at me. I let all the insecurities inside of me disappear. How was I so stupid to think that I heard something so silly that Nino would be using me? I smiled at him and pulled him in. We sat on the coach and I cuddled into him; missing the warmth. “Why couldn’t I contact you?” he asked. “I was busy painting. Sorry.” I lied, but everything’s okay now. You’re here and you didn’t leave. Then I felt the warmth move from my side and you were staring at me intensely. “What’s the matter Nino?” I asked; my voice started to get shaky for no reason. “I have something to tell you.” He said, and I felt my heart stop.
“I’m really sorry—” He started to say something but I cut him off. “Ah! That’s right, I just remembered I bought a new game that you might enjoy.” I was about to get up when he grabbed a hold of my wrist and I stayed where I was. “Satoshi… I have something I need to tell you.” “Um, do you want to eat? I can make something.” I tried to get up again but his grip was strong and firm. I looked into his eyes and I couldn’t see any love at all. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. It’s okay if you’re lying to me, just stay with me Nino… “Satoshi. I—I lost my boyfriend about a year ago, around the time I first met you.” He continued talking but I wasn’t listening anymore; I already knew what he was going to say. I thought back to the happy times and knew that it was all a lie. Like the time where he was sick and when he opened the door to his house, his eyes were red, it wasn’t from being sick but it was from crying. That time when he told me it was too sad to be in his home; he meant it, it wasn’t because he missed me, but him. Also the time when we fought and he hugged me, he knew I wouldn’t fight back didn’t he? You just wanted someone to be by your side. He finished talking and I snapped out of my thoughts. I could finally feel the tears running down my face.
“I’m sorry.” He said. But he wasn’t actually sorry, he didn’t do anything to numb my pain. I knew that I would never be able to hold on to him. “Tell me, did you ever love me?” I said; already knowing the answer but I wanted to contradict myself; I was hoping. He gave me a pained look and shook his head. I couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. I didn’t want to feel any longer. It was too painful. “I understand…” I said. He got up to leave. He reached the door and looked back at me, I stared at his eyes. Please, don’t go. When he stepped through the door, I knew from then on, I wouldn’t be able to feel anymore.
Thinking back on the painful memories only made it hurt more. I should stop thinking about him, he’s never coming back. It’s already been two years. After that day, I remembered I was like a human zombie. I never left my house and I was ready to starve myself when I knew that I shouldn’t be like this over some stupid guy. The sad thing is that if he ever wanted me back; for a lie or anything, I knew I would jump into his arms and forgive him. I really wish I could hate you, but it’s the complete opposite, I still love you.
“If you yearn and wait for those days that won’t come back, what difference does it make?”
*** Hope you liked it. :D