Author: Me (Carmen)
Length: One-shot (2,529)
Genre: Romance, slight angst
Disclaimer: I own only the plot.~
Summary: "That day when I told you, you said you understood. If you would’ve held on to me, I think I would’ve stayed."
**This is a continuation for my fic "Love Me."
**Hope you like it! :D
I admit it. I used you. It was a cruel thing, I know. I couldn’t bear to let go of Sho. He was my life, my soul, my heart. When I met you that day, you reminded me of him a bit. I wanted to get to know you. At first, I thought it was love. But it just turned out, I was using you to replace him. I’m sorry, I really am. Tell me, did I hurt you really bad? I feel horrible, no that’s too nice of a word, I feel rotten. When I told you, I couldn’t bear to hurt you. Does this mean I’m starting to develop feelings? Or does this mean that I still think of you as Sho? That day when I told you, you said you understood. If you would’ve held on to me, I think I would’ve stayed. I know you must hate me by now, and would never want to see me again.
It’s been two years since that incident, and I haven’t seen you at all. I felt lonely, I felt sad, and I felt broken. I think I really am in love with you. But I hurt you really bad, so I know I must not show my face in front of you again. If only you knew how much I hurt during the two years, would you forgive me? No, that’s wrong of me to think like that. I don’t think I should be forgiven. So I think I will continue on life pretending that you’re by my side. But I know in the end, it’s just a dream and that I’m only hurting myself more.
“Nino!” My boss called from on top of the stairs. “Yes! Coming, sorry.” I say and follow him. We walk past a few rooms and we reach the second last one. “This is the studio where you will compose songs.” He says. I go inside, and I love the interior. I smile. “Thank you boss!” I say happily. He nods and walks out of the studio. So, I guess I start here tomorrow. I hope people will like my songs. I should explore this place. I go out through the door and read the labels on each door. The one across from me is a dance studio. I wish I could dance, it seems fun. I peek through the little window in the door and my heart stopped. It was him. I’ve never seen him dance before. But I remember him mentioning something about working in a dance studio or something. Oh shit, he works here. The same place I’m working. And to make things worse, we’re right across from each other! I stare at him and realized how much I missed seeing him in person.
I go into my studio and take a few breaths; not realizing I’ve been holding it in. Should I speak to him? What if he doesn’t want to see me? I then hear a lot of people talking outside of my door and I look through the window in my door and notice people coming out through the dance studio. I guess the lesson’s over. Then I see him walk out and he’s coming to my door! I panic and decide to just play it cool; like I never saw him earlier. He knocks and I say come in; while trying to busy myself with organizing some papers with my back facing him. “Hello, I heard you were new here so I came to introduce myself since I’m just across from you at the dance studio. I’m Ohno Satoshi.” Should I turn around? What do I do? I take a deep breath and try to put on my acting skills. I turn around and I could see the surprised expression on his face. I feign one too. “Ah. Ohno-san.” I say; trying to act surprised. “Ah – I’m – uh, I got to go.” He says with a hurt expression and runs out through the door. “Wait!” I say but he was already down the hall. I knew it, he hates me.
Would it be selfish of me if I wanted to get back together? I decided that I would try to win his heart again. Many days passed and every time that I would see him or try to start up a conversation, he would run away or say that he was busy. I had a feeling that he was avoiding me and I couldn’t blame him. I must’ve hurt him really bad. I felt like an idiot for letting him go once. But I wasn’t ready to let him go again. After about a week of playing mouse and cat. I decided I would charge into his studio. I waited until it was 5; the time when everyone left. I stared at the clock for what seemed like decades and finally the clock struck 5. I jumped up from my chair and looked out through the door to wait for the last person to clear out. I opened the door when I was sure everyone has left and just as I was about to open the dance studio’s door, I heard a moan. I stopped what I was doing and peeked through the door.
The sight in front of me made me angry, it was Satoshi and some random student kissing! I was debating whether to go in there and break them up or to just leave and live with my one-sided love. I wasn’t ready to give up before I tried so I chose the first option. I opened the door with a little too much strength and it made a big bang against the wall. The two stopped what they were doing and stared at me. Ohno looked shocked and hurt while the student looked surprised. “Well, well. What do we have here?” I said in a cold voice. The surprised student blushed and ran out of the room. I felt like strangling him, but I let him go past me unharmed. I glared at his back and then turned to look at Satoshi. He was still standing there with his head down.
I walked closer to him and I held on to his wrist. He jumped at the contact but didn’t pull away. I took that as a good sign and moved further down and took his hand. But he shook me off. I felt my heart breaking once again. “Why are you here?” He said in the quietest voice. I had to lean in closer to catch what he said, but I heard it none the less. I knew he never meant why I was in the studio, but why I was there trying to hold his hand. “I – I want to be with you again.” I said. He looked up at me and I stared at his eyes. They were as beautiful as I’ve remembered them, but the light that I’ve always saw, was gone. I hated that I was the one who made his shine disappear. “Nino, do you want to hurt me again? If you really need someone to replace your dead boyfriend, find someone else. I already have someone, so please stop looking for me and leave me alone.” He said in a chilling tone. I shivered and felt all of my confidence drain away. He already has someone. Of course, what was I expecting? Satoshi is a lovable man. He wouldn’t wait for me. It’s already been too long. He walked past me and I could feel tears threatening to fall. It’s too late.
That night, I took out all the liquor I had in my house and probably drank most of it. I felt dizzy and I knew I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I took out my cell phone and scrolled through the contacts. I looked at Satoshi’s number and hugged the phone close to me. I never deleted his number; I’ve always wanted to call him but never had enough courage to dial the number. I’m pathetic. I hurt you and yet I’m still holding on to you. You must be so fed up with me. Since I wasn’t feeling like myself, I finally pressed the call button and held the phone to my ear. Please, please, please let your number still be the same. “Hello?” He said. I rejoiced secretly in my heart. “Satoshi.” I said; not realizing that I was slurring. “Nino, why are you calling me so late? And are you drunk?” He sounded worried. I started crying. “Satoshi, I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.” I wasn’t sure if he heard what I was saying but he hung up. I knew he didn’t care for me anymore. I don’t know how many more bottles of beer I had but it must’ve been a lot, since I didn’t realize that Satoshi was in front of me.
“Nino, are you okay?” I was shocked and I knew I was dreaming. I smiled and hugged him. He felt stiff but didn’t pull away. I knew I was definitely dreaming since the real Satoshi wouldn’t be here. I sighed and relaxed into his embrace. “Satoshi, I miss you. I’m sorry for hurting you, I really am. I’m an idiot for not realizing how much you meant to me. I’m the worse for still trying to hold on to you while you have someone else. I know you can’t forgive me. But at least let me stay by your side. I promise I won’t hurt you again. I’ll treasure you. I love you so much that I can’t forget you. I’ve never stopped thinking about you since that day. Satoshi, I’m really very very so so so sorry.” I said. I drifted off into sleep in the warm embrace. I know when I wake up, you won’t be here. I wish I could dream forever.
I woke up the next day with a splitting headache. I looked around and I was in bed. That’s weird, I swore I was drinking on my sofa. I got up to get some medicine from the bathroom and the door was closed. Huh? Did I close my bathroom door too? Oh, and the lights are on. Holy shit, I must’ve drank a lot to not remember anything. But it was good, since I dreamt of Satoshi. I could feel my broken heartbeat and I sighed. I went to open the door but it was locked. What? I then put my ear to the door and I could hear the shower running. WHAT! I must’ve called one of my friends over. It’s probably Ryo. I waited on my bed for Ryo to be finished. Man, he’s taking some long. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the shower turned off. I was very very surprised when a half naked Satoshi came out instead of Ryo.
I must’ve been staring with my mouth half open since he walked closer and closed my mouth. “What are you staring for?” He blushed. “You, you, YOU?!” I ended up saying; too surprised to actually form any normal sentences. “You don’t remember me coming?” He said with a tone full of pain. I shake my head and try to think. The dream… it must have been real! “I thought I was dreaming!” I said surprised. “Oh..” He mumbled with his head down. I walked over and caressed his cheek. He looked at me with teary eyes. “So you don’t remember what I said?” He looked at me expectantly. I tried racking through my head but I came out with nothing. All I could remember was hugging Satoshi and mumbling some words. I shook my head. I don’t remember him saying anything.
“I’ll say it again, I guess.” I looked at him expectantly. My heart started beating faster. Wait, what if he told me that he didn’t want to see me again? Or that he hated me? Or that I should leave him alone? Will I be able to handle him telling me he doesn’t forgive me? But if that’s what he thinks, I will leave him alone and let him move on in his life. “Nino. I hate you.” My heart shattered and I felt that tiny shred of hope disappear.
“… Is what I wish I could say.” I looked into his eyes and I was confused, very confused. I didn’t say anything so he continued. “You used me and left me. I should never forgive you and I should hate you. I tried but I can’t do it. Ever since you came back, I thought you wanted to make me miserable again. Did you know that I was waiting for you? I waited for you to come back for these two years but you never. I didn’t care if you used me again or anything. I still love you and my heart aches for you. I miss you and your touches, your smile, your eyes, your hands, your lips, and your heart. I know it never belonged to me, but I was happy to know that I was there with you.” He gushed out all at once. I was trying to comprehend what he was saying and it didn’t make sense that he still loved me and waited for me. “Wait, what about the guy I saw you with yesterday?” I asked. “That’s just a student of mine. He said he liked me and forced himself on me.” He answered. “But that moan!” I said. “That was him.” He said. “But, you told me you had someone already.” I said with my voice broken. “That was a lie. Like I said, I tried hating you.” He replied.
I was happy, very very happy that I didn’t notice he was crying in front of me. “Satoshi! What’s wrong?” I said and took him in my arms. “Do you meant what you said yesterday?” he asked while sobbing into my shoulder. “I did. Even though I was drunk, I meant every word Satoshi. But I’m sorry you had to hear it while I was drunk. I didn’t have enough courage to say it to you. I didn’t want to be hurt, but that was selfish of me since I hurt you twice as bad. I’m really sorry.” I said. He looked up and I wiped the tears off his face. He leaned in and kissed me. It was probably the best kiss I’ve ever had. It was full of love and longing.
We broke apart and had our foreheads against each other. “Satoshi, will you be with me again?” I asked. “Of course.” He said. I smiled at gave a tiny kiss on his cheek. “I love you, Satoshi.” “I love you too Kazu.” No matter what happens, I vowed to never hurt the man in front of me and to treasure him for life. I love you Satoshi.
“Just by saying ‘I love you’ is not enough, is there any other better words? In this world, there is no word that can describe my feeling, wherever I am, if I’m with you, I’ll be happy.”