I Love You

[carmenw84]

Title: I Love You
Author: Me (Carmen)
Length: One-shot (2,574)
Genre: Angst!, romance
Rating: NC-17 or R (I don't know the difference D: ) 
Disclaimer: I own only the plot.~
Pairings: Ohmiya
Summary: Nino can't forget Ohno.
Note: This is my first time writing an Ohmiya fic AND a sex scene, soooo, please excuse the err, bad writing. ^^ Oh yeah, and I can never seem to end a story well. T__T

**Comment and tell me what you think!♥
PS: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

“I love you.” He once said to me. But now I realized those three words meant nothing. Was it said only because he felt it was right in their relationship? Did he say it because he knew it would please me? All those years spent together amounted to and an ‘I love you’ which had no meaning at all? When did he not feel the spark between us anymore? Did he feel that spark in the beginning? Did he have any feelings for me at all?

                All I could do was ponder in my head the questions that were never answered when we broke up. I still think about him to this day and wonder why I never go see him when I know he’s not far, but yet he is too far away. I knew we agreed to remain friends, but did he even want to see me? I sigh. I wonder where it went wrong. Since I still think of him, do I still love him? It was painful when he left, it felt like my soul had split in half, but do I still feel the same? Am I living like a normal person now?

                I go through everyday like a routine, it’s the only thing I can really do. My life seems to have lost its meaning but yet, I’m still alive. Do people notice my constant sighs and painful eyes whenever I think of him? I hope not, I try my best to keep my face emotionless. But there is one person who has been through it all with me, Aiba Masaki. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be able to hold my head up to this day. I love him like a brother, I really hope he never leaves me, I don’t think I can be left alone again. But lately, I haven’t been seeing him around; he was starting to hang around with his new friend, Sakurai Sho. They looked more than friends to me though. Will he end up hanging out with him more than me? Will Sakurai replace me? Am I replaceable?

                 That evening after work, I was on my way home when I bumped into him. I’ve never seen him walk this way; I always remembered his apartment in the opposite direction. I hadn’t realized when my heart had picked up its pace, but it didn’t feel right, it felt broken. He still looked like the Ohno Satoshi I remembered, but so different at the same time. His perfectly tanned skin, his perfectly toned body, the beautiful smile that usually takes my breath away; which was now a little forced and too strained, and the eyes I used to love so much because I could read them in a second; which now were unreadable to me. As I was looking at him, I realized that I still loved him.

                I tried to keep a normal expression and tone when I said “long time no see” but I’m pretty sure it came out as pathetic as I was feeling. I thought I saw a flash of pain across his face but it went as quickly as I had imagined it. “Yeah. How are you doing Nino?” Hearing my name from the voice I missed so much, I felt tears threatening to fall out. I knew for sure I didn’t want him to see my weak side so all I could do was run away before the tears started falling. After running quite a long distance and trying to catch my breath, I turned around to try and figure out where I had run off to. Since I was so developed in my thoughts I hadn’t noticed that he was running after me. I gasped. I wiped the tears away furiously hoping he didn’t see, but I forgot, it was raining and he wouldn’t see the tears.   

                He called out my name but as he was saying it, he sounded just as pathetic as how I felt. That’s impossible, why did he have to sound pathetic when he hadn’t loved me at all? He’s making it too hard for me; I can’t move on if he seems sorry for making me go through the pain I did. All I did was ask him “why?” Before I could protest, he had me in his arms. I tried to push him away before I knew I would do something I would regret and make myself hurt even more. But he held his grip on me and tightened it even more. “Nino, I’m so sorry.” His voice seemed so pained. Why? Why? I kept asking to myself in my head but all I could do was cry in his arms. I didn’t really register what had happened between then and now but I was in his apartment drying myself off. I knew I shouldn’t be there but I couldn’t bring myself to run away. He was like a magnet to me, I always felt attracted to him.

                We didn’t talk and the air was full of tension and awkwardness. I was afraid to say anything in fear of feeling heartbroken twice. But he was the first to break the silence. “How are you doing with Aiba?” he asked while wincing like he was hurt. What? I asked to myself, what is he talking about? He noticed the confused expression on my face and asked again but reworded his words. “I mean, are you happy with him?” It then dawned on me that he thought I was with Aiba. I laughed out loud heartlessly. He looked hurt but didn’t say anything. “What? You feel that bad for deceiving me the whole time you were with me that now you want me to be happy? You feel that guilty?” I say angrily. His confused expression only made me angrier and I snapped. “You left me all alone. I thought you loved me; you deceive me then broke it off. You played with my feelings. Do you even know how much pain I had to go through when I recalled the fake I love you’s that you said to me?” I didn’t care but I was shaking with anger. So I kept punching him in the chest trying to make him feel as much pain as how I went through.

                He called my name and I looked up at him. He was crying. “WHY ARE YOU CRYING?” I screamed at him. He then pulled me closer and started kissing me. I tried to resist but I was craving for his lips and his touches, I wanted to feel him on me again. I don’t care how much it will hurt after but right now, I want him. I want him. He pulled me to his bed and somehow both of us were already undressed. We were kissing and touching each other like it was the end of the world. “Satoshi” I breathed out after breaking from a kiss and he was kissing my neck. “Fuck me” He looked up from what he was doing and gave me the sexiest smirk while saying “with pleasure.”

                Satoshi slowly kissed his way down my body and I could feel fire wherever he touched. I wished I could stay in his arms and make love to him forever but I knew when we finished, I would hurt so much more than I ever have and that there would be no more contact. This is it. The last time we’ll ever be together, I just know it. When he had his mouth around my erection doing wonders with his tongue, I couldn’t help but want to feel more of the warmness engulfing me, so I tried bucking my hips but Satoshi had his hands on my thighs to stop me from doing so. “Fuck… Satoshi.” I ended up saying; breathless. He then stopped just as I was about to come and I whimpered; trying to pull him back, he smiled instead and got something from his drawer. “Wouldn’t want it raw, would you Kazu?” My heart jumped when I heard him say my name and I started feeling pain. Why doesn’t he love me as much as I love him? Why?

                          He squeezed out some lube on his fingers and then inserted one into my opening. I shivered at the coldness but I felt like I was in heaven when he inserted another one and started doing scissoring movements. I couldn’t hold on much longer so I went to grab my length but he stopped me from doing so. He batted my hand away and got a condom to slip on. He then looked at me as to ask for permission but I wasn’t in my right state of mind so of course I couldn’t refuse him, I nodded. He then slipped into me bit by bit and I was moaning with pleasure. I split my legs further apart to give him more room; it was scary how both of us knew what to do without saying anything. God, I love you so much Satoshi.

                He then started moving his hips and all I felt was pure bliss. Before I could say anything, he was kissing me. I opened my mouth automatically to let his tongue in and we were sucking on each other’s tongues. When I moaned; he knew he had hit the right spot and started moving faster. He grabbed my length and started moving in the same rhythm. It wasn’t long after that, that I came into his hand, gasping his name. After a few more thrusts he came inside of me. He was shuddering at the force of his orgasm.

                We looked at each other before he went to get a towel from the bathroom and cleaned us both up then he lied down next to me and I moved closer to him; wanting to feel his embrace and warmth. When I wake up, I hope I can pick up the broken pieces by myself. I will be okay, I will. I’ll move on and let Satoshi live a peaceful life without me. I quickly fell asleep listening to his steady heartbeat.

                When I woke up, I was surprised to find a still sleeping adorable Satoshi next to me. My heart quickened its pace as I moved closer and gave one last kiss on his lips before getting up. I was glad I didn’t wake him because I didn’t want him to see my pained expression. I quickly gathered my clothes and put them on then took one last look at his apartment and left.

                I went to work, but I didn’t remember anything that happened that day at all. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking at all, maybe nothing. My mind stopped functioning and my heart had felt like it had stopped beating. Am I like a zombie right now? Alive in body but dead in mind? It really does hurt so much. I shouldn’t have let him hug me, I shouldn’t have went to his apartment, I shouldn’t have let him kiss me, I shouldn’t have made love to him. I can’t stand this pain, I really can’t. I know I said I would move on but I can’t. It hurts, I love him too much. I don’t think I can live on.

                Just as I turned the corner to get to my apartment, I stop dead in my tracks when I see a figure sitting on the stairs. What is he doing here? I quickly run over the possible reasons in my head but none of them make sense. I walk towards slowly and he looks up. He gets up and stomps towards me angrily. “Why did you leave this morning without saying anything?!” I stare at him like he has three eyes and say, “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me.”  He was about to open his mouth when I cut him off spilling out my thoughts ‘cause I couldn’t hold on any longer without knowing the answers to all the questions in my mind. “Sato—Ohno, when you said you wanted to break up, I didn’t understand why except that you never loved me at all and that you were sick of me. I thought that I would be able to move on, I really did. But I just can’t get over you, I tried. You were all I could think about back then, even till now. And to answer your question, I left because I knew that you wouldn’t want to see me again and I never wanted to wake you either because I didn’t want to see rejection in your eyes all over again. I—I still love you.” I drop down to my knees and start crying. I don’t know how long it was before anyone of us spoke but I knew the silence confirmed all of the questions. He didn’t have any feelings for me at all.

                “YOU IDIOT!” I look up with blurry eyes and see Ohno shaking with anger. I was about to ask him why but he pulled me up quickly and into an embrace. I stiffen but don’t move. “Why don’t you understand?” he says with pain in his voice. I look at his face and he gives me pained smile. “Kazu, I left because I thought you would be happier without me. I thought you wanted to be with Aiba. I didn’t deserve your love. I wasn’t confident that you would stay with me forever and I was terrified that one day you will suddenly leave me. Why did you think I made love to you?” “Bu—but, you didn’t have sex with me because you knew it would make me think it’s the last time?” I end up asking. “No, Kazu. That was me telling you, I love you.” He pressed his lips on mine softly like a whisper and I could feel my tears falling once again. “Idiot, why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “I did.” He replied. I sigh and think back and realized how stupid we both were. We had no trust in our love for each other.

                We both make our way in my apartment and we sit on the couch. Still trying to piece together everything, I look at him again. “Satoshi.” I say in a whisper.  He looks over and nods. “I love you so much.” I say; looking down and getting embarrassed. He lifts my chin up and I’m staring again into the eyes I could read and love so much. “Kazu, I love you way more.” I smile. “My Kazu is such a crybaby, ne?” he ends up saying with a teasing tone. Getting embarrassed, I look away but his hand is on my nape and we’re kissing ever so sweetly. We rest our foreheads together and his eyes are full of love and passion. “How about we relive last night?” he smirks and I giggle. We kiss passionately and I know that even if we continue to have insecurities and misunderstandings, we’ll work them out together. No matter how tough the obstacles or challenges we’ll face, I know that my love will be forever undying. Ohno Satoshi is the other half of my life that I was made to find in this world. 

                “Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'” – Erich Fromm

Comments

[valee94.livejournal.com]

wow im first? XDDD
thanks so much for sharing a lovely angst T_____T
this is sweet.. <33

[carmenw84.livejournal.com]

o: ! I guess you are. xD
I probably posted this elsewhere at first, 'cause I'm pretty sure I had comments before.. or maybe not.
And thank you for reading! <3

[gambitsfox.livejournal.com]

I've been reading alot of your fics today and most had lots of feedback except this one......LOVED it!!!! Love insecure Ohmiya. Love emotional Nino....I suspect he does cry more than we are led to believe. Also hoping you had a GREAT birthday! (What's not to be happy about.....new Arashi concerts, pictures, stuff, and CD coming out!!!)

[carmenw84.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading! <33
And thank you! Ikr, so many news makes me so happy. xD

[atenea005.livejournal.com]

well now they know and they're together :)
thank you for sharing!!

[carmenw84.livejournal.com]

Thanks soooo much for reading, <3!
I was on a little break (actually, VERY long break) so it took me forever to reply ;__;

But again, thanks! <3